In his mind's eye
by TheSunflowerkid
Summary: "He keeps pushing her away and he kicks himself everytime he does. He feels so exposed when she's around and his heart beats faster when he catches her taking in the shape of his nails or the tears on his shirt. It's only a matter of time before she realizes the truth." A look into the mind of Jordan Catalano and how he sees himself and Angela


Jordan is a gifted musician and yet he's lived his life knowing the lyrics but unable to hear the song. He sleep walks through his life, trying his best to be "normal" but its exhausting to be something he's never felt.

He knows the routine by now, what to wear, how to look, what to speak. The facade earns him acceptance, earns him a couch to sleep on when his father flies into another drunken fit of rage and tosses him out for the umpteenth time. But he knows if they knew who he really was, no one would waste their time with him.

If they could see him how he sees himself, they would recoil. They would see the idiot that can't even read and the seven year old kid whose mother didn't want him anymore. They'd feel the wince at the sound of a door slam or how just the smell of alcohol is enough to trigger the twinge in his stomach.

They could never know about the weekends he spent starving as a child while his father went on benders or all the nights he's spent sleeping in his car when there's nowhere else to go.

Jordan goes through the motions of high school life; going to shop, cruising around town, and spending his nights with girls he meets at parties. He's earned a few labels: burnout, artistic, quiet, and to some, a failure. It's easier to work with those labels and live within those expectations than to admit what he knows deep down; outside of his self loathing, he has no idea who he really is.

It's easier to play dumb instead of finally admitting it's impossible to see the page of whatever textbook has been assigned. It's easier to pretend he doesn't care about anything, about school, about his life, about _her_, than to admit how worthless he feels, how he can't even look at himself without feeling the shame in every fiber of his being.

He'll ruin her life. Angela has dreams and she's smart, smarter than he'll ever be. He has no idea why she's so interested in him but he likes her in a way he's never felt towards anyone else. He's never looked at someone and felt warmth inside him until he noticed the look she has when lost in thought or how the deep red of her hair looks against her pale skin.

But he can't have her. He knows he's hurting her even though he doesn't mean to. He can't have her see who he really is. He's not mysterious or confusing or whatever he thinks she thinks he is. He's nothing short of dysfunctional and he dreads the day when she'll figure it out.

He keeps pushing her away and he kicks himself everytime he does. He feels so _exposed_ when she's around and his heart beats faster when he catches her taking in the shape of his nails or the tears on his shirt. It's only a matter of time before she realizes the truth.

He panicked when he heard the rumor that he'd had sex with her in his car and he told her he didn't want her though he knew he was lying. Sex with her would be different, more vulnerable, and he could see her in his mind's eye looking down on him in the back of his car in disgust.

Angela's actually _someone_. She's intelligent and creative. She used to hang out with Sharon Cherski but he thinks they fell out. She has two parents and a sister who she complains about and he wants to know more. He wants to know everything about her but he can never ask because when he does, she'll want to do the same and he'll no longer be whatever she thinks he is.

She can never find out how much he wants to be everything to her.

He wishes he wasn't so afraid of her, afraid of what she thinks. She can destroy him in a heartbeat and she has no idea. He tries to play it cool when she's around and every time, he fails. Every time he tries to talk to her, it ends up sounding stupid and yet she seems to hold onto every word he says.

He still can't believe he tried to talk to her and all he could think of to say was about the guys at the ski resorts who make snow. He can't believe that he poured out his heart to her in song and then said it was about his car when he felt uncomfortable with how vulnerable he was.

He's pathetic.

And yet, she loves him anyways. And despite how worthless he feels and no matter how much he knows Rayanne Graff was right when she said Angela deserved better, he doesn't have to look very far to know he loves her, too.


End file.
